My “first” Mother’s Day, I found out that I was pregnant with Luna Bell. My first official Mother’s Day, I finally had my nearly 6 month old baby home from the hospital with me, and I still couldn’t believe that I was actually this beautiful girl’s mommy. I was filled with fear and the overwhelming feeling that it was going to take everything she and I had to get through her first year.
Fast forward to this, my second Mother’s Day. It was everything I could have hoped for. My daughter had been home for over a year, she was healthy and strong and was meeting all of her goals and those milestones that each child is supposed to meet. She had been walking for about two months and was now pretty much running. Her smile and laugh lights up a room and her energy is boundless. She keeps us running all day long until she finally allows us all to pass out each night.
Kevin and I have been through a lot in this past year. Navigating how to be partners and parents and keep some kind of balance. To be honest, we haven’t always we done a great job. Dealing with postpartum depression or panic and the hormonal roller coaster after bringing Luna Bell home did not give me a solid platform on which on make relationship decisions and I didn’t always voice my needs in the most productive way. I reached out to friends for advise and every single parent told me that the first year of their child’s life was the toughest year on their relationship or marriage. And they all prefaced that by saying they had healthy children that did not spend four months in the hospital and they couldn’t imagine how difficult that was on us as individuals and a couple.
Somehow, over the past year and even the week leading up to Mother’s Day, we had made the choice to stay together and to do something every day that gave one a reason to choose the other at the end of every day. And that is what we continue to do today.
I need to say that there is no one but Kevin I could imagine having a child with, going through the past 18 + months with, raising a child with or loving. There is a reason why it took me until I was 44 to get pregnant. There is no one else that I could love more, there is no one that could love or take care of me better, and there is no one that could love my daughter the way Kevin does. The way my little girl looks at her daddy is a constant reminder of why my life has taken the path it has and why I found Kevin along the way. His determination to help me raise Luna Bell to be confident and strong and kind and wise is something I am grateful for every day.
I learned a valuable lesson right before Mother’s Day. I learned that not only do I have the most incredible man in my life, I also have the most incredible friends. It is not my instinct to lean on my friends for support, but in a moment of need, I reached out to one of my friends who gave me the support I needed and a listening ear. He asked if I had reached out to anyone else in our close friend circle (I had not) and reminded me that they love me and are there for me. After a few days, he did the most incredible thing: he called a mandatory Zoom meeting (we’re all in different areas and we’re in the middle of a pandemic) of our group of friends. So on a Saturday morning, we showed up from our individual homes in various states of quarantine attire and hair styles and I poured out my heart. The tears that we shared, the love that was heaped upon me and the promises of “I will be there in 2 hours if you need me” were what I had needed for over a year and been too afraid to ask for. I felt relief and love and support and ready to fight another day. I cannot begin to express how grateful I am for these friends that are really more like family, how much I love them and how thankful I am to my sweet friend for calling a mandatory meeting and giving me an opportunity to be vulnerable and ask for help. I hope that if someone is reading this and you need support or help for just a listening ear, that you will reach out to a friend.
I began this post nearly three months ago now. I believe that a little girl waking up from her nap is what stopped the writing and working non-stop and a little girl who moves non-stop kept my laptop and writing at bay. Over these past weeks, my relationship with Kevin keeps getting stronger, as does our little girl. I know that I’m going to make mistakes as a mother, but I think that just acknowledging that already makes me a pretty good one. There is so much of our story to catch you up on, so stay tuned for the next post! And a VERY belated Mother’s Day to all you mom’s out there!
LUNAR PHASES 