What About My Baby?

There is something I’ve noticed with more intensity on Facebook and Instagram over the past year; gratefulness to God for taking care of someone’s child.

Babies that are born early and with issues or potential issues and spend a day or two or maybe a week or two in the hospital or children that was either injured or diagnosed with something like cancer or another illness are prayed for by parents, grandparents, friends, and fellow church members. And somehow, 7 or 8 times out of 10 there are posts of how great god is and how he helped their child be healthy and come home to their family sooner than expected.

But then there are the rest of us. The parents-to-be who get scary news while mom is pregnant and all they can do is wait and see what happens when the baby makes his or her arrival. The mom’s and dad’s who have children in the NICU or ICU. They are on heart monitors or respiratory support, or medication or all the above. The parents who spend every waking and sleeping moment doing everything they can to help their child; getting the best care for their child, holding them when possible, talking to them, even praying, hoping for the moment the doctor says you can take them home. But somehow, all of the praying, hoping, perfect combination of nurses, doctors, treatment, just doesn’t seem to work.

Am I not doing this right? Are the other parents of the hundreds of children at Seattle Children’s Hospital not doing something right? Were we supposed to hold our hands a certain way, pray in specific direction, eat a special food, not laugh, not cry, not speak, only speak and think with positivity? TELL ME WHAT TO DO!!!!!

Are our children the forgotten, the not worthy? Are we as parents being taught a lesson or being tried for some crime? Why my baby? Why us?

My Mom is one of the best people I know. Honestly. She is kind, a good mom, a good wife, the definition of what a good Christ like person is. Void of judgment for others, and genuinely willing to do things for people no matter what. She’s a hospital Chaplain for god’s sake. I’ve always said that if anyone can get god to answer a prayer in the affirmative, it’s her. So when we found out Luna Bell was going to have issues, Mom started praying. And she never stopped. She prayed for lots of different things: Luna Bell to be healthy, me to be healthy, Kevin to have strength to support his girls, the doctors and nurses to have the wisdom to treat Luna Bell, Kevin and I to have strength and wisdom to be there for our daughter and to question things when they didn’t seem right, and again for our tiny little girl to be strong, to fight, to get healthy and grow and to be ok so she could come home.

So, when I see a post of the greatness of god and his choice to heal a child by some miracle, I bristle. I wonder why their kid and not mine. Why did god pick their baby to heal so quickly and not mine? Is this really divine intervention or just a case of right diagnosis, right treatment, maybe just not as sick as my daughter. As time goes on, I remind myself that not every baby or child has the same conditions, same diagnosis, same battle. Not every family is put in a place to learn to appreciate the little things, sometimes the very little things. Not every baby has parents who are strong enough to deal with an extended hospital stay, or multiple tries at coming off respiratory support or heart monitoring or medication without success. And many babies just aren’t as tough as my girl. She came out pissed that she couldn’t breath on her own and until she came off support, those tubes and hoses were her nemesis. She was a superhero every day and continues to be. She has taught me what it means to be determined, strong, focused, and patient. We were given a very special little girl and she is loved more than any other baby ever has been, we’re sure. As you will read in upcoming entries, our miracle was not a quick trip home; but a baby girl who knows she can do anything she sets her mind to, a mom and dad that got the opportunity to learn a lot about themselves, and fix a few things, so they could be the best parents for Luna Bell, and a family pulled together and grateful for the magic that occurs when a very special human joins the human race.

In the future, as Luna Bell decides what she wants in life and who she wants to be and do, I will be standing by her, cheering her on and saying to the world “What about my baby!!!”