Not So Broken After All

I came home from work one evening in early May, to a giant hug from Kevin. Had he gotten stronger, was my bra too tight or am I getting my period, because my boobs hurt from that hug.

Huh, that was weird.

We had made plans to go to dinner, so we headed out to a restaurant and proceeded to have a really great dinner. During dinner, one of us brought up that we would like to see Avengers: Infinity War that had recently been release. I checked for showtimes and the movie theater next to the restaurant had seats available. We saw the movie and on the way home had a lively discussion about it and our now shared hate for that dumbass, Quill, aka Douchelord. We went to bed feeling happy with our date night.

The next day at work, around 10:30am, I suddenly felt really sick. Not enough to actually vomit, but I felt sweaty, dizzy, and my stomach hurt. I texted Kevin to see if he was feeling alright, thinking maybe something I ate the night before wasn’t agreeing with me. He was fine, so I thought it was just me and that maybe I was getting the flu-which wasn’t even going around. I continued to feel sick all day, even to the point of thinking maybe I should see a doctor. Then around 8:30 that night, as quickly as it had come on, the sick feeling left.

Ok, again, that was weird.

The next few days I felt fine, but I started to think about when my last period was and I couldn’t come up with even a week, much less a day. I thought it should be coming anytime now, so I bought a box of tampons, and waited.

May 12, 2018-the day before Mother’s Day. I was in Target and as I walked down the main drag, looking at things on the endcaps, I walked by the aisle with pregnancy tests visible. I slowed down to a stop and turned down the aisle. I stood there for a minute taking in the purple and pink boxes, some with pictures of tests with visible lines; one line for not pregnant, two for yes. Digital test that actually say the words “pregnant” or “not pregnant”. I thought back to the disappointing tests I had taken in the 20’s, and almost couldn’t believe that at 44 I was now considering setting myself up for one more likely disappointment. There was no way that I could possibly be pregnant, not at this stage in my life. Why would I even think that I could be? The tender breasts, the day of feeling like death-warmed-over, and the probably missed or very late period all held up a big neon sign that said “YOU’RE PREGNANT”. So, convinced that I would jinx myself and wake up to a period, I bought a box of two pregnancy test. And I bought the expensive ones. The digital ones that would tell me, in words not lines or hieroglyphics if I was pregnant or not.

That night Kevin and I babysat his nearly 6 month old niece, Quinn, while his sister went out for dinner and a movie as a pre-Mother’s Day night out. We were playing and having a great time. He loves that little girl and is so great with her, and I was enjoying watching the two of them together. As Quinn began to settle a little bit, I asked Kevin “what would you do if I got pregnant? I know we talk about it sometimes, and you say you would be thrilled, but in all honesty, how would you feel?” He responded the way every woman wants their guy to respond “Babe, I’d be so happy. It would be awesome.”

Sunday. May 13th, 2018. Mother’s Day: I woke up ready to discover I had started my period. But nope, that had not happened. Ok, so I guess I have to take this test.

I read the directions; because you know there are at least a dozen ways to pee on a stick, and completed the test, I put the test in a drawer in the bathroom, and set my timer for 3 minutes. I proceeded to pluck a few stay eyebrow hairs, pull my hair into a pony tail and tidy up the counter space. When the timer went off, I braced myself for bad news, opened the drawer, pulled out the test and saw the word:

PREGNANT

My breath got sucked out of my lungs. I stood there, staring, waiting for the word “NOT” to be added to the screen. And after about five minutes more, I started to believe. Instead of coming up with a fun way to tell Kevin, I put the test in the pocket of my cozy, purple robe and walked into the bedroom where Kevin had just woken up a few minutes before.

“I have something to tell you.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, I’m pregnant.”

“FUCK OFF!! You are not! Wait, are you? NO! You can’t be!”

I took the test out of my pocket and showed it to him.

“Yes I am pregnant.”

“OH MY GOD!!! BABE! THAT’S AMAZING!!!”

He grabbed me and hugged me and neither of knew what to do. We just kept hugging and kissing and jumping around until he reminded me that I was pregnant.

He got me a glass of water and started to make breakfast and we spent the rest of the day telling our mom’s, Kevin’s brother, sister and cousin, that we were going to have a baby and shifing between “oh my god” and “holy shit” we’re having a baby!!

We discussed baby names and watched Ail Wong’s Netflix special “Hard Knock Wife” which freaked us both out, and made us laugh a little too hard to hide the fear we were feeling from the other person. (If you haven’t watched this special, do it now. NOW! No wait! Read the rest of the entry first, THEN watch it!)

Later that night Kevin said “see babe, you’re not broken. You were just waiting to have a baby with the right person”. I teared up at that. After nearly 20 years of feeling like I was broken, damaged, not a full woman; one moment, one day, changed everything. I was not as broken or damaged as I thought I was. All the disappointments of the past faded away. I was finally going to be one of those pregnant ladies waddling around, eating all day and picking out nursery themes while reading books that were supposed to make me feel prepared, but only freaked me out. How can this possibly be? Oh my god, I’m actually going to be a mom. Whoa…I’m going to be a mom.

Best Mother’s Day Ever…for now.

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